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| I've always hated birthdays. Not so much to be grinch-like or antisocial or anything like that, it's just, I never understood what the big deal was. My whole family buying me crap I don't need, getting a cake, and taking all sorts of pictures, and for what; after all I only felt a day older. I turned 25 a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life, I felt different. I felt old, I felt like I spend more time reflecting than creating, I felt stuck. And there is a lot of truth to that; I am an entirely different person than who I was 10 years ago, chemically, physically and mentally. I don't necessarily think of things in terms of right and wrong or good and bad, but I don't like feeling old. I'm approaching a point where if I don't take a risk right now I'm going to be stuck like this in Virginia for the rest of my life. It's not so much that I feel unhappy or unfulfilled, which I do, it's that I'm doing nothing but rotting in front of a computer all day. I feel like I have no real purpose in life and that I'm capable of anything and doing nothing. Most people just think they're alone in this world, I get the feeling I actually am. I guess it could be worse.
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| For as long as I can remember, I've had a heart murmur: a condition where the valves of my heart don't completely close, causing some of the blood being pumped through, to backwash, making an abnormal sound with every beat.
For as long as I can remember, I've had a brain that won't let me stop thinking about ideas. Ideas that seemed cool and intriguing when I thought of them at the time.
Some of my ideas are starting to consume me, and everything I've built up to this point is about to crumble because of one pervading thought in my mind. It might be more of a liberation since I hate this job and my day to day nothings.
We are tiny. I mean small. We have this grandiose image of ourselves and what we want to do each day and what we want to accomplish and our emotions consume us to the point that nothing else really matters except our immediate happiness. 'Why' is not an issue anymore; all the why's in the world end where they start, and the means to those ends are nothing more than a show of lights.
What I speak of is a heavy what. I believe everything has a physical basis, I have to, I live in it. But when I see pictures like this:
my brain shuts off and my heart sinks. I can see them, the alien galaxies with life. I can see their pain is ours as well. My mind pans out a bit to show how small they are to their surrounding universe, my mind pans out more to see our planet from far. Tiny, tiny people. WHERE THE FUCK AM I?
And then it hits, time slows down to a halt, and all I can think about is one thought: none of this is real. I look at my blanket and think of the factory it was made in, automated machinery, people looking at thousands of these every day. They live these blankets. Every little thing in my room was made and manufactured.
The cardiologist told me I should be fine, and not to worry, but I know better now. I have a heart murmur because it's trying to tell me something.
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| I think part of life is coming to terms with who you are. When you step outside of your safety zone you learn a lot about yourself. I'm still lost, I get the feeling I always will be. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it leads me to one of the things I've learned recently:
1. I am nobody if I am not hungry.
Motivation is a funny thing; what makes us successful stems from us being unfulfilled. I've never done anything worth anything when things in my life went as planned. Being at odds fuels a necessary fire, a fire which has been missing in my life for some time now. It's not why I haven't followed through on my ideas, it's why I haven't found my ideas worthwhile. I think I need to adjust my lifestyle to allow myself to be denied these possessions that cause a falsified satisfaction. So I suppose my drug of choice is something intangible.
2. I will always be unhappy.
...no matter what I do. I now know this has nothing to do with my consequence in the real world, it's something I perpetually feel. Yes, I am happy, sometimes extremely satisfied, at times, but it will always regress into a state of dysphoria, regardless of the extent of my possession, achievement, or recognition.
I'm tired of people telling me that I'm still young and don't need to worry; I don't think I've ever been young.
On an up note, my stay in VA is becoming more tolerable by the day. And I want to take classes.
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| I think I've always taken advantage of the fact that I have depended on others to define who I am. Even when I took a stance on something and decided to move in a different direction, I would always drift towards another cause or group of people. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be affiliated with certain groups of people, but it should be because you truly believe something yourself and happen to agree with others, not simply because you need something, anything.
I officially don't know who I am anymore. But instead of sulking, I'm going to try to view this as untapped potential. Everyone I used to know is gone, and everyone I am meeting is different. People don't know who I am, and I don't know what to tell them about myself, because everything I used to be associated with, I don't necessarily feel the same way about anymore.
I could continue on this path of employment for the next 30 years or so, but I'd rather do something with my life, and I'm going to be brainstorming over the next few months to figure out where I'd best fit in. I'd like to figure out by my 24th birthday at least what I'm going to do with the next 5 years of my life. I'm stuck in mediocrity right now, and I'd rather be working towards something bigger.
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| I don't think I have the patience to write a book, enough time to write a computer program, and enough money for anything else. However, I have been having A LOT of fun learning Flash and cutting up audio for the Dog House Sound Board I made. I think Flash is the ultimate in creative limitlessness and ADHD featurability. It's a hobby I'll probably keep, and it made me realize how much I love radio. I've been listening to radio for years, but never thought much of it, until the idea of having my own show revealed itself. The internet provides a free service to host a radio show from your very own home, all you would need to do, is talk. I'm working on a few format ideas, but I believe this is the best medium for me to express my many, and sometimes convoluted, ideas. Of course entertainment is a huge part of radio, and since I would need to KEEP an audience, it's going to be some time until I figure all this out. Cautiously optimistic. Happy New Year.
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